Top 10 Reasons Why ANTM 19 Is A Massive Writing Fail: Reason Seven

We do not want to know what he’s doing with that sheep.

7.) BryanBoy even being allowed to have one second of airtime on the show this season. Need I say more? I mean, really, it is even necessary to elaborate on this? (But for the good of all humanity, I’ll do it anyway.)

He’s one of these people who exists in a neverending downward spiral of being famous because he blogs about people who are famous, who in turn are famous for having famous friends, who themselves are actually famous for being famous, which was all manufactured in the first place by the kind of people who are famous for having blogs… Have you ever stood between two mirrors and looked into the first one? Remember how you saw an infinitely receding series of images of yourself, and you started to get a migraine if you stared at it too long? It’s kind of like that. Or maybe it’s more like a hideous cockroach-Twinkie mutant demon attaching itself to your chest and sucking out your soul. It’s hard to say.

The worst part of all is that Andy Warhol was wrong about the fifteen minutes, and these people now have an ominous habit of sticking around for years on end. (We still haven’t really managed to get rid of Paris Hilton, have we?)

Please, oh please go away and don’t come back

What’s the writing equivalent?

I actually did come up with one for this, although it might have been better for everyone if I hadn’t.

Stetson: My father has mysteriously disappeared. My powers are growing. We come from different sides of the tracks. Hmm. That’s literally true. (Looks at the sinister burnt-out train looming between them.) You should get away from me, Gwen; I’m no good for you.

Gwen: I’ll show you just how good I am, Stet.
(leans through the charred shell of a train car, lips parted)
(but just before they kiss)

Bryanboy: (popping up between them) HI! The two of you are just too cute for words!! (pulls out Ipad) I’m going to blog about your Romeo-and-Juliet romance right NOW! (starts typing)

Stetson: I guess you didn’t hear the part about my growing powers, you annoying twit.

Bryanboy: They’re growing? Really? Is it anything like the time I squeezed between Tyra and Rob Evans when he was wearing those itsy-bitsy briefs with hearts all over them? Because I definitely felt something growing then–

(POW!)

(Gwen blows smoke off the top of the bazooka)

Stetson: I didn’t think you had such gratuitous violence in you.

Gwen: Oh, I just blew him into the 64th dimension. He’ll be fine. All the coffee there is decaf, but it’s no more than he deserves. Besides, you’re not the only one who gets to be a brooding antihero around here.

Stetson: Could you start brooding in a flowered bikini?

Gwen: Sorry. This skit has gone on long enough already.

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