Top 10 Reasons Why ANTM 19 Is A Massive Writing Fail: Reason 4

Maybe the wolf and the python will return in search of their pelts…

Once again, I’m going to have to go with BryanBoy. I meant to do another topic, but the horrible lingering horror of BB casts a sinister shadow…

Okay, I guess this DOES tie into all the issues with social media, actually. We do not need anybody’s social media input to be part of the show. Think about it. At best, all we get is anonymous people saying stupid things like “That’s so Modeling 101!” on the worst quality video footage ever. We don’t know who these people are. We don’t care. We never see them again, and we don’t want to. So that’s bad enough.

But what’s even worse is that we have BryanBoy to… what? Explain the entire concept of a comment? Show us Facebook pages, just in case we’ve been living under a rock for eight years and we have no idea what they are? Pout at the camera with pink lip gloss on? (Note: There may be men who look good in lipstick, but HE IS NOT ONE OF THEM.) Kristin Kagay may be an annoying bitch, but at least she has nothing good to say about him. (Hmmm… could it be a COINCIDENCE that her “social media” scores are going down?)And then there’s the ridiculous way that BB was stuck into the same role that Nigel Barker once played– laying down the law about the realities of the modeling world (kind of pointless, seeing as how that has nothing to do with ANTM by now anyway.) Yvonne– how DARE you stick out your tongue for .0000787 of a second! You’re ruined your entire life, the lives of everyone who was on the set or who watched Episode 5, and all future incarnations to come!

Basically, characters need to play well-defined roles that make us (the viewing audience) feel interested, that hook us into what’s going on. They can fit into one of many categories– the ones we love, the ones we like, and the ones we love to hate. But BryanBoy doesn’t play a role that makes any sense. He is a confusing mess, not even interesting enough to be a whiny little bitch we’d like to slap down. Mostly, we just want him to go away. He can take his social media scores and fall out a window in the studio. Couldn’t we kidnap the Jays and Nigel Barker and make them come back to the show?

What’s the writing equivalent?

Stetson: (unreeling the nylon rope with a surly sneer): I’m tying you to the wall and torturing you with ecstasy until you reveal the secret of where the resistance is.

Gwen: I’ll never say a word! Um… just how much ecstasy are we talking about?

Stetson: (looping half-hitches around her wrists) Lots and lots.

Gwen: And how long will this take?

Stetson: Until lunch at least. Then I’ve got some very nice peanut butter sandwiches. I’ll feed them to you after your limp body slithers to the floor, glutted with unholy pleasure at my hands.

Gwen: Then I’ll definitely never talk. Do your worst.

(Stetson approaches her with the tickly peacock feathers. Gwen gives some very unconvincing little shrieks. But at the last minute…)

BryanBoy: (bursting in) STOP! The sort–of-almost-but-not-quite BDSM is not playing well with 13-17 year old albino left-handed teenage girls in Little Rock, Arkansas. Stetson, you need to untie her immediately. You’ll both have to start cuddling Rainbow Care Bears while riding off into the sunset on unicorns, and then–

(Unfortunately for BB, the door of the train car is open. Gwen shoves him out of it with her left foot, which Stetson hasn’t yet tied with sheepshank knots.)

Stetson: I never knew you had such nastiness in you.

Gwen: Oh, he landed on an enormous cloud of discarded Facebook apps. He’s fine. Now… you were saying something about being glutted with unholy pleasure?

Stetson: Gwen, I like the way you think.

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