Slouching Past Depravity: Season 4 of Jersey Shore, Part 1

Doing Their Bit to Make America Dumber, One Season At a Time
Doing Their Bit to Make America Dumber, One Season At a Time

And now it’s time for yet another round of “Just How Far Has Our IQ Dropped From Watching Reality TV?” Yay! Is everybody ready? Do you have your wetsuit and chemical goggles on? Then let’s go.

First, a question. (Yes! I see you with your hand raised over there!) Which is worse:

a.) To wade through an unspeakably filthy swamp of the worst sludge scraped up from the bottom of the lowest dregs of the vilest human nature

b.) To slump into a heap of toxic boredom, mind numbed by the unspeakable stupidity of troglodytes with hair gel?

If you picked A, then that means that you prefer the first three seasons of Jersey Shore. If B is your choice, then I guess you’re enamored of the fourth, which just started. (Or if your IQ hovers somewhere above the temperature of the South Pole in July, then you’ve already fled once you found out what the answer was. Either way…)

Just pondering the concept of Pauly, Vinnie, and/or Mike having sex with sleazy skanks pried off the underside of a bar is likely to give you a queasy feeling, much like the time you ate pond slime on a dare in the sixth grade. Even allowing the fact of the existence of Snooki to enter your consciousness probably fills the pit of your stomach with a pool of dread, similar to how Soren Kierkegaard felt before he made his leap of faith into belief in God. (Of course, the fact that Snooki walks the earth is enough to make anyone question the very concept of any God…) We don’t even need to KNOW that she managed to have sex with everyone in that house. And then there’s the Sam and Ronnie Show, aka “Let’s Make Budding Domestic Violence Look Cute and Fun.”

So the whole thing was vile as vile could be. But the problem is that when these people weren’t shown doing disgusting drunken things—in other words, when their mundane daily life was chronicled and put onscreen—it was revealed that they’re simply the dumbest and most boring carbon-based life forms to ever walk the earth.

And what does that have to do with writing? We’ll get to that tomorrow, so stay tuned…

(BTW, I can pretty much guarantee that this is the only time you will ever find “Jersey Shore” and “Kierkegaard” in the same post.

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